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Young Writers Society



Creep- Chapter 8

by Conrad Rice


In the bounds of sleep Creep found himself standing on a wide, black plain; a dark wasteland of lightning and fire. Anxiety swept through his mind like a flood, washing him with panic. He flew across this rock-studded landscape, speeding along until it was all a blur.

Then he was stopped, thrown face-first into the dirt of this blasted place. He got up, stunned but not hurt. Before him, floating in the air at eye level, were his bandages. They were shaped as though they were around his head, yet Creep could see that there was nothing in them. It reminded him a little of the Invisible Man.

“Hello, boy,” the bandages said.

“What?” he asked.

“I’m talking to you,” the bandages said. “That’s what I drug you all the way in here to do.”

“What’s going on?” the boy asked. “Who are you?”

“What, don’t you recognize me?” the bandages asked. “Don’t you remember back at Brumley Park? Remember Bobby Ford?”

The boy recoiled, as if he had been struck. The bandages parted into a smile.

“I thought that was gone,” the boy said, his voice rising in confusion and emotion.

“Boy, I’m not going anywhere. I’m you. You’re me. We’re the same two souls in the same body. Your dad knew that. Why else did you have meds, if not to keep me under control?”

“What? But then, how are you here?”

“You’ve been under a lot of stress. Thought I might be able to help.”

The boy shook his head and turned away. A cold wave passed over the back of his neck and he shivered. The sound of breathing entered in his ear and he spun around. The bandages had crept up right behind him, and had grown until they were just as large as him.

“You need my help. Catwoman out there isn’t going to be able to do everything for you.”

A nauseous wave hit the boy. “I don’t want your help,” he said. “You’re evil.”

The bandages chuckled. “What’s the problem with that?”

“You’re evil!” the boy stammered out again.

“Yeah, yeah, you’re repeating yourself,” the bandages said. “Look, my morality has nothing to do with this. Fact is, you need my help, whether you like to admit it or not. This city will eat you up, boy. Even the one thing here that helps you, that Concetta chick, wanted to make you into one of her whores before she saw me. I open doors.”

The boy stood before this monstrosity. Fear and sadness ran through his heart, and if it is possible to cry in dreams then he did so. The bandages said nothing, but simply floated there with that hideous cloth grin. The boy sighed.

“What do you want?” he asked.

“We work our way up that list,” the bandages said. “One by one, starting with that fairy dude, we kill them. Then we go home.”

The boy shivered and gave a slight shake of his head. The bandages got right up in his face.

“Yes!” they growled at him. “That’s how we’re playing this game! They die; them, anybody that gets in our way, this entire blasted city if it comes right down to it! They deserve nothing less! Do you not remember what you saw that night, standing there in the snow beside the wreck? Or do I need to remind you?”

The boy shook his head at this. That he did not want. He remembered all too well just what the bandages spoke of. He remembered the hissing of the broken engine and the red stains upon the dark ground. Those were things that one did not forget. The bandages pulled back.

“Then you know why we must do this,” they said with a smile. “For them. They can’t be forgotten. Something must be done.”

The boy nodded. No matter what those bandages brought out in him, what they said was true. There was blood that called out to him, asked for blood in return. And he was the only one who could hear it. It fell to him to answer that call.

“Fine,” he said. “Fine. I’ll do what you want.” Regret hit him as he said those words, though he knew that he could not take them back. The bandages’ smile grew bigger.

“See, now you’re thinking straight,” they said to him. “And don’t worry kid. You and me, we make a great team. You remember the party? We were untouchable. So long as you and me stick together, they can’t lay a finger on us. No bullet, no blow, no nothing, is gonna take us down. You hear that? Nothing!”

Creep awoke. The smell of incense, dulled by the hours of the night, slunk into his nose. Concetta slept at his side. A voice, faint and sweet, whispered in his ear. It spoke of shadows, of darkness cloaking swift deeds, of a cause that was just and merited. And Creep listened.

He got out of bed and began to get back into his clothes. His jeans, his tennis shoes, his shirt, his trench coat, his gloves, and his guns, all put on with a stylish air that did not befit them. This was more natural, he was feeling more and more like himself.

One thing remained. The bandages, as black as the sky above, lay upon the floor. He reached down and picked them up, looking them over for a moment. Once these were on, there was no going back. Once these were wrapped upon his head, there would be no stopping him. One by one the cloth strips were wound around and around, each wind bringing him closer and closer to that feeling. Finally, the last one was tucked into place and Creep stood; complete.

The wind howled at the window and he turned to regard it. Out there, the city slumbered. He walked over to the window and gazed out at it; beheld its dark towers against the dead sky. With a strong hand he opened the window. Tonight, the city would have nightmares.


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Wed Dec 31, 2008 5:51 pm
Kylan wrote a review...



Connie -

I enjoyed this! A very nice addition to this piece. There were a couple lines of dialogue I saw that were pure gold and, as Jiggity said, your closing paragraph is spectacular, more befitting, for some reason, as something that could serve as a killer beginning or killer ending of a novel. I hope that this marks a massive plot pivot, or I think that the tension that that last paragraph wove into the story will have been wasted.

I feel that Jiggity has a point, though, when he talked about the dream sequence itself. It is cliched. When we were talking about it, I actually envisioned it as something that he would do awake. Talking to himself, sort of thing. Sort of a sick, twisted comical interlude, you know? But if you wanted to go the dream route, we can work with that, too. I think that you should do as Jiggity suggested: make it as bizarre as possible. I nix on the floating bandages. Consider replacing the bandage character with another Creep, dressed in bandages. Make the dialogue disjointed and weird, but not so wierd that we can't divine some underlying meaning. Have Bobby Ford and Creep's Father somehow woven into the dream. Make us go, "What the -- " and then wrap it up with a punch that suddenly brings enlightenment. Make things subtlely obvious. So: listen to the Jiggster

Another thing: I really don't like the usage of the word 'boy'. I just don't. I think 'kid' is more appropriate and less stiff. I've wanted to say this for a long time. 'Boy' just seems like the bandages are a deep-south plantation owner and Creep's some kind of black slave. It doesn't fit, especially with the rest of the colloquial dialogue. But maybe it's just me.

face-first into the dirt of this [s]blasted [/s]place


Kill 'blasted'. First of all, you used it later more appropriately. Second, it's kind of bad form to use a word like this inside the prose. Especially if you haven't done it before. It seems amatuerish.

Anyway. Nice work. I think you could squeeze a lot more potential out of this, though, as Jiggity pointed out.

-Kylan




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Wed Dec 31, 2008 4:17 am
JabberHut wrote a review...



Hey, Connie! =D Must mend my state of boredom with this critique. ^_^

Grammar and First Impressions

In the bounds of sleep Creep found himself standing on a wide, black plain; a dark wasteland of lightning and fire.


Can it be black with all the fire and lightning? It sounds like an oxy-moron. XD However, I like the lightning and fire concept so far. I think you should keep it. ^_^

He flew across [s]this[/s] the rock-studded landscape, speeding along until it was all a blur.


Using "this" like we did here makes it feel like we're in a new PoV. It's hard to explain, but like... the narrator hasn't spoken directly to us like they did here, I guess? I dunno. In third person, I usually try to avoid using "this" like we did here. ^^

Then he was stopped, thrown face-first into the dirt of [s]this[/s] the blasted place.


“What?” he asked.


This seemed way to monotonous for the current situation. XD His bandages, which are usually inanimate, are speaking to him. He should probably hesitate or something. XD

“I’m talking to you,” the bandages said. “That’s what I [s]drug[/s] dragged you all the way in here to do.”


Why else did you have meds, if not to keep me under control?”


Be sure you want your inanimate objects or possessed bandages using nodern jargon like "meds." ^_^

Catwoman out there isn’t going to be able to do everything for you.”


I've noticed your use of comic characters. XD I'm not so sure if your world would know about those characters, so is this just for humorous purposes? Or am I assuming wrong and your world is just earth? XD

The wind howled at the window and he turned to regard it. Out there, the city slumbered. He walked over to the window and gazed out at it; beheld its dark towers against the dead sky. With a strong hand he opened the window. Tonight, the city would have nightmares.


Mkay, I really liked how the paragraph before this ends. Complete. The end. I love. (Well, it's not really a the end, but hopefully you know what I mean. XD) And, to accent this amazing one-word sentence, I would get rid of this paragraph entirely. The last one. You've done it before: You jumped scenes without this suspense. I loved it, and I don't think you should fall for this trap here. Get rid of this paragraph and end with complete. It will make it a hundred times awesomer. =D

Overall

I actually liked this chapter. I really liked the set-up you had for the dream. I think you should try keeping up with the setting, just add little lightning/fire descriptions once in a while. Small clips of description--not large enough to distract the reader from the dialogue. You know? XD

I think the dialogue sounded a bit monotonous half the time. I'm not sure if Creep is very surprised or if this has happened before. You said once that he's confused, so assuming he is the former of my two thoughts, throw in some facial features and stuttering and hesitations and body movements--there's a lot you can do.

Though, I guess it's a dream... But this doesn't feel like a dream? I think to make it more dreamy, we can throw in a few odd behaviors. Maybe the bandages could bend its shape into the picture of his sister, and then the dream flashbacks to one of their personal moments. This way, the reader connects with Creep's sister? And then you can have a villain kill the sister... Get a little creative, I guess? I love dreams, and so knowing you, you can totally do a lot with this dream if you think a bit more. ^_^

I wish I had big scary complaints for you. XD Basically make the dream seem more like a dream. That's probably as big as the critique will get. I think this chapter explained quite a few questions for me. I'm starting to piece the puzzle now! It's getting rather exciting. ^_^

Hope I helped, blah, blah, blah...

Keep writing! =D

Jabber, the One and Only!




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Sat Dec 27, 2008 9:10 am
Jiggity wrote a review...



I'm going to keep this general, rather than techno-specific (by which I mean, nitpicky). I really didn't like this chapter; I loved the concept of a dream, loved the potential you could have unleashed there. Almost so much so as to reinvigorate my interest in the story. I mean, an internal struggle! Brilliant, character stuff! Unfortunately, you took the cliched route.

Snoink wrote an article - can't remember where I saw it, else I'd link it -- regarding dream sequences and their use. If I remember it correctly, and I think I do, she warned against the cliched fashion in which they're mostly used --- i.e mysterious figure (as pertains to fantasy anyway) gives crucial plot point/information that they withheld for no apparent reason up to this point and the protagonist awakens with a renewed sense of purpose --and pointed out other ways in which it could be used as a storytelling device.

First off, I'd take out the reference to the 'Invisible Man' - you don't want to make any obvious acknowledgments of similarities between yours and other, copyrighted works/characters. I just didn't like the whole alter-ego personifying in such an obvious, blatant fashion. It was boring. I think you should be more subtle, here in this chapter you can be so much more revealing than ever before, you can get away with a lot and just delve into the murky depths of his twisted soul! Not this standard pantomime, please. A personal, internal but weird -- be strange! Inventive! Insane! It doesn't have to make sense, even, so long as its relevant to the character and has the intended affect. -- schism of massive proportions, that reunifies the identity that has been unraveling, would have been awesome.

I loved the last paragraph though and in general, the description was probably stronger than in the last chapter or two.

Cheers





Resistance is futile.
— The Borg